IT HAS BEEN A WHILE. I kinda wanted to blog about that many many things that have happened but didn't really have time to so hahaha maybe I will? (Yeah, we kinda all know how that's going to turn out)
Anyway! The title seems kind of serious, but I didn't know how else to title it, and no I don't have anxiety, bless all of you readers who do and it gets better (at least we like to say, but take your time with life :) )
So back to the post. I was in English class on Tuesday and we read an article about anxiety (and happiness??) in our modern times. Although the article was pretty shitty in the sense that it made a lot of sweeping generalisations, I really agree how we are made to see that anxiety (not the mental disorder) is all bad, and that we should keep chasing positivity and be optimistic and all that.
Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't be positive and mope around all day long, I'm just not agreeing that we should keep chasing positivity and optimism. Our society and culture has made it such that we view feeling anxiety and generally negative feelings in such a bad light that it's almost a crime to feel as such, that we must get back to our cheery self as soon as you have to face society again. (I quote, "Your grandmother just died? ... Never mind, we want to see you smile!")
Okay, so maybe that was have been a little extreme. Sure. Let's use an example people can relate to instead. Take "private accounts" for example (I'll use Instagram for convenience sake). Most people nowadays have two different social media accounts on the same social media platform. One account, your "public account", is where you follow everyone you know (and pray like hell they follow back or you'll "unfollow" them) and your profile/wall is all sunshine and rainbows. There is possibly not a speck of negativity on it, and your aim is to portray yourself (especially to acquaintances) in such a way that seems as if your life is pretty much perfect.
The other account, your "private account", is where you follow only your closest friends/bosom buds/people whom you trust and confide in/whatever floats your boat and falls into the category. Which is why getting a "private follow" is such a big deal. This is where all the rants and shit go, where it gets down, dirty and sometimes really, really, personal. And all this happens away from the prying eyes of the rest of the world.
Why can't you just post everything on one account? That's because society has impressed upon you that it's "wrong". You can't just go around "spreading hate and negativity", you're supposed to be happy and optimistic! Think of all the great things you have and be grateful! (And essentially I, Society, invalidate all the problems you think you have because "there are people out there who have bigger, more legit problems", although it is technically still a problem but I can't say that because then I'm permitting you to act like how you're acting [aka "spreading hate and negativity"] and feeling what you're feeling and I can't have that.)
I think you're allowed to feel shitty when you do, and should have the luxury (why is it a luxury?? This should be a right??) of expressing yourself when you feel shitty. It's just how you go about doing it, and for how long you go about doing it. Sure, you can express your shitty feelings, but you can't just allowed to do it forever. You have the rights to feel down and tell people hat you do, but I think it's more of having to find a balance in your roller coaster of emotions.
Society's way of dealing with negative emotions is basically telling you to suppress your feelings and suck it up. Although you do eventually have to suck it up (for most cases), it is in no way healthy to suppress your emotions. This is also ironic and hypocritical that society expects you to be empathetic, but no one's going to empathise with you if you're negative, no matter the cause. (Which is why you aren't allowed to post negative stuff online.) That's right, I'm totally only going to empathise with people who are optimistic because if you're negative, you're in the wrong and I don't empathise with wrong people.
Doesn't that sound so wrong? That's definitely not empathy. In fact, this is so far off what "understanding" means, let alone "empathy". The word has been thrown around so much lately that it has lost its meaning, or people know the word, but don't understand its meaning. We want to be an "inclusive society", but we don't want to include everyone. Besides, talk about "inclusive society" after you've gotten rid of the income disparity and close the gap between the rich and the poor.
(Just to go off tangent a little, you know how TOMS has this "One for One" policy, where they will give children in Africa a pair of shoes whenever you buy one? Yes well, you buy a pair which costs you $60, although the cost price of a pair is about $4. So in total, when you buy one pair of shoes, TOMS gives one pair to the "needy", resulting in the total cost being $8. That's still $52 left. What happens to that money? The company pockets it, duh. But they give "needy" people shoes! Yes, but then they put almost 50% of the local African shoe shops out of business with that bullshit. Although the argument is that the kids can choose to turn these shoes away, they're too young and naive to understand what it does to the shoe shops. TOMS sure doesn't explain it to them. And thus, the rich get richer while the poor get poorer, although it isn't in the same country [no, you're ruining another country instead. Way to go, guys].)
That being said, I'm not saying I haven't committed any of the above (I do have a private Instagram account, I'm not the best empathiser and judge overly negative people, I am a negative person, I am hypocritical which I proved with the previous two points, I consciously portray myself a certain way online, and I do suppress my feelings), I'm saying that I'm as much a perpetrator as I am a victim. Still, I believe that happiness is the cause of negative feelings and negative feelings are the cause of happiness. There has to be a balance, for one cannot exist without the other, and similarly, you are allowed to be mad pissed at the world, as long as you also acknowledge that the world can sometimes also be extraordinarily beautiful.
This feels like an essay but like I promise it's not because look at that terrible format and how it goes off-tangent and is ridiculously informal and laden with slang. Just my two cents this topic, I suppose, and I'll end it off here hahahahahaha
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Thursday, October 1, 2015
I Don't Understand
Okay, no. Just no. Seriously. Why can no one see what kind of a shit person she is until she bites you in the goddamn ass?! She been kicked out of so many cliques, and her hobby of late is tearing friendships apart. It really pisses me off.
So sorry to start of like this, but I'll explain now. There's this girl who's in my class. Let's call her T and we're acquaintances of sorts. Okay, scratch that. We can maintain a civil conversation for 3 minutes before I walk off, completely uninterested. She's really not the nicest person. Then again, I have double standards. Anyway, one of my friends (known as L), I would say, is close-ish to her. Our exams are almost ending, with tomorrow being the last day and my clique wanted to go out together (L's in my clique). But L said that T also asked her to go out with her and her friends (some of our other classmates), and L told us that she didn't want T to be hating on us, so she's gonna go with her instead tomorrow.
I call not just bullshit, but fucking bullshit. I'm sorry but seriously? (Okay, not sorry. Just throwing the word around.) You just told us you're going to go out with T. Okay, big deal. Really, you could come up with better lies. "I don't want T to hate y'all"? Fuck the hell off! You think we really care if T hates on us? We are literally the chillest group of people you could ever meet. Hate me? Okay. Like me? That's great, let's be friends if you aren't a bitch to everyone else. We couldn't give two shits if she hated us. Half of us aren't even in her fucking class (no really. Out of eight of us, only L and three of us are in T's class). And I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, I'm just going to state the truth. I'm not exactly the best person to cross and I've established my reputation of being a "No, I don't care. No, fuck off. No seriously. Fuck off." person who isn't exactly the nicest person to be around most of the time. It's a miracle I'm even in a clique.
And I know for a fact that T does not dare to cross me. I think she's either heard stories about me or I've done something to make her feel that way (see I don't even remember. I'm just mean to everyone). So if T's gonna be hating on my clique and me, go ahead. Half of us don't care, and the other half is protected by me. T's just a fucking bully and I'm not about to let her mess with my friends. In the first place, how realistic is this? For one person to hate on eight other people just because one of them chose the other seven over her? I don't see the logic.
Still, I wouldn't put it past T to do that. That's the kind of person she is. If she can't gain anything off you, she'll just be a mean bitch to you. Like, she won't even get to know you properly before deciding that she doesn't like you. She's got the whole Princess Syndrome thing going for her. Basically, it's that she can treat you like shit, but you can't treat her the same way. She's got the whole double standards thing going as well (I do too. Just by saying this, it's a double standard). For one, because my class sits with our tables paired together (so two people sit together), she'll bite your head off if your belongings (such as stationery) is even a millimeter on her table. But, she can place her entire arm on your desk while she works because fuck everyone, she's the queen.
Second, she swears like a fucking sailor who's just gone through a shitty day. (See, double standards.) Okay. I don't know why exactly I swear. Habit. And rising emotions. I have a lot of angst. I'm a teenager. Not an excuse, but whatever. But this bitch. This bitch swears because she thinks it's cool and that people will think she's cool because she swears. I am sorry (okay, no I'm not) but no. Just no. I don't think it's cool to swear. I don't do it to impress people. I'm trying to get rid of it. But the world just pisses me off. So yes. I swear. T swears because the sun is shining and because she is breathing. She's really loud about it too. She goes around shouting, "Eh, fucker, come here lah!" That kind of shit? Like sorry, but at least swear more delicately? You sound like a bloody ah lian! (Singaporean slang, Singlish all over the place, it's Singapore. What did you expect?) She uses swear terms that almost only Singaporeans use, so I'm not going to put them here. Anyway, you get the gist.
Third, she's left some of my friends with huge self-esteem issues. Maybe it's in their personalities to begin with, but it's just made worse by her. My table partner cannot stop doubting her self-worth just because T had an intense dislike for her. Just because one person was mean to her. I mean, yes, it's just one person, but that one person had a profound effect and that's enough for me to really really dislike her (even if I didn't know about her other extremely jarring flaws, but I do) because that was enough to leave that gaping hole in my friend's self-esteem. She doesn't even know what she did to T! (Although we did kinda work that out and she's okay with T now but they won't ever be more than acquaintances no matter how much T sucks up to her now. I'm so glad she can see that T isn't someone she needs in her life)
Which brings me to my next point. She sucks up SO. MUCH. She is literally the most fake person I've ever come across. She really hated one of my friends because that friend was really popular and rose up the social ladder really quickly (mainly because she's really smart). But then they had to work together in a group and she realised that that friend was actually a really good asset to have on hand and has been sucking up to her ever since. For example, she would comment like "omg ur so pretty" and like "face goals" and shit like that on her Instagram and my friend actually buys that shit. She's easily influenced and she's just soaking up the attention she's receiving. I don't really blame her for it; we're all at that age when attention and popularity is "everything", but I just don't condone it. You get all these T type people just trying to get in your good books so that when you finally succeed, they can say that "Oh, I was her friend and I know her very well" and shit like that. Fuck off, seriously. Fuck. Off.
Finally, she's created just this huge ass mess out of my other acquaintance-friend that I have (let's call her S because she's the star of this show). So T was friends with this person last year, and they then started hanging out with S and her friend (aka Y). It was the four of them for quite a while, but S and Y never really liked T. Mainly because of various reasons. That doesn't really matter. They were together for really quite some time (like, from last year till slightly before July or August or something. Not sure about the details). But then T's friend got "stolen away" by another classmate and she stopped hang out with them. This left T without someone she was really close to. So she got close to S and started telling her to stop hanging out with Y. For some stupid reason, S did. Relationship between those two soured, of course. And whaddya know, T then ditched S and went with Y instead. With those two's bad relationship now (well it's actually fluctuating, but more on the bad side), it was easy for T to latch onto Y and worsen the relationship further.
So now, S is left without a clique because she's just been kicked out of her own. She didn't really make very close friends with our other classmates because of course, no one expects this is happen to them. So S is really kind of... alone right now. No one really close to, or to hang with, you know? Okay, S isn't the most sensitive person and that's why I wouldn't really call myself a friend (because I see that she can sometimes treat people like shit without actually realising it), but more like someone who's friendly to her and I'll give her the support she needs until this mess is cleared up. Still, it angers me. It angers me because T doesn't even treat S like a person. No one deserves to be treated like that. And I bet T doesn't even care. She just sees S as collateral damage, or perhaps just a fly that's now out of her face. She doesn't even see what she's doing. And that really pisses me off. I won't say I know S very well, and she can be mean sometimes, but seriously, no one is as bad as T. It's been distracting to S, having to deal with this shit during the exam period. I can only hope it doesn't affect her too much, because T shouldn't matter. T shouldn't matter to anyone and she should be given one big bitch slap to be woken up.
She's a bully. I can't say that I'm not totally, but this is fucked up. T may have grown up in a single parent family, but fuck that. I was best friends with someone whose parents were divorced as well and she wasn't anywhere close to as big of a bitch as T. She wasn't a bitch at all! So it's not an excuse at all. I hate that L is friends with her and I really don't see why people befriend T but far be it for me to see the good qualities of T and I'm sorry but I'm not even going to try. (I'm also not going to be that person who opposes two people's friendship just because I don't like one of them.) I'm sorry this post has been so long and thank you so much for reading it (if you still are) though it's basically just me ranting about T.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
So sorry to start of like this, but I'll explain now. There's this girl who's in my class. Let's call her T and we're acquaintances of sorts. Okay, scratch that. We can maintain a civil conversation for 3 minutes before I walk off, completely uninterested. She's really not the nicest person. Then again, I have double standards. Anyway, one of my friends (known as L), I would say, is close-ish to her. Our exams are almost ending, with tomorrow being the last day and my clique wanted to go out together (L's in my clique). But L said that T also asked her to go out with her and her friends (some of our other classmates), and L told us that she didn't want T to be hating on us, so she's gonna go with her instead tomorrow.
I call not just bullshit, but fucking bullshit. I'm sorry but seriously? (Okay, not sorry. Just throwing the word around.) You just told us you're going to go out with T. Okay, big deal. Really, you could come up with better lies. "I don't want T to hate y'all"? Fuck the hell off! You think we really care if T hates on us? We are literally the chillest group of people you could ever meet. Hate me? Okay. Like me? That's great, let's be friends if you aren't a bitch to everyone else. We couldn't give two shits if she hated us. Half of us aren't even in her fucking class (no really. Out of eight of us, only L and three of us are in T's class). And I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, I'm just going to state the truth. I'm not exactly the best person to cross and I've established my reputation of being a "No, I don't care. No, fuck off. No seriously. Fuck off." person who isn't exactly the nicest person to be around most of the time. It's a miracle I'm even in a clique.
And I know for a fact that T does not dare to cross me. I think she's either heard stories about me or I've done something to make her feel that way (see I don't even remember. I'm just mean to everyone). So if T's gonna be hating on my clique and me, go ahead. Half of us don't care, and the other half is protected by me. T's just a fucking bully and I'm not about to let her mess with my friends. In the first place, how realistic is this? For one person to hate on eight other people just because one of them chose the other seven over her? I don't see the logic.
Still, I wouldn't put it past T to do that. That's the kind of person she is. If she can't gain anything off you, she'll just be a mean bitch to you. Like, she won't even get to know you properly before deciding that she doesn't like you. She's got the whole Princess Syndrome thing going for her. Basically, it's that she can treat you like shit, but you can't treat her the same way. She's got the whole double standards thing going as well (I do too. Just by saying this, it's a double standard). For one, because my class sits with our tables paired together (so two people sit together), she'll bite your head off if your belongings (such as stationery) is even a millimeter on her table. But, she can place her entire arm on your desk while she works because fuck everyone, she's the queen.
Second, she swears like a fucking sailor who's just gone through a shitty day. (See, double standards.) Okay. I don't know why exactly I swear. Habit. And rising emotions. I have a lot of angst. I'm a teenager. Not an excuse, but whatever. But this bitch. This bitch swears because she thinks it's cool and that people will think she's cool because she swears. I am sorry (okay, no I'm not) but no. Just no. I don't think it's cool to swear. I don't do it to impress people. I'm trying to get rid of it. But the world just pisses me off. So yes. I swear. T swears because the sun is shining and because she is breathing. She's really loud about it too. She goes around shouting, "Eh, fucker, come here lah!" That kind of shit? Like sorry, but at least swear more delicately? You sound like a bloody ah lian! (Singaporean slang, Singlish all over the place, it's Singapore. What did you expect?) She uses swear terms that almost only Singaporeans use, so I'm not going to put them here. Anyway, you get the gist.
Third, she's left some of my friends with huge self-esteem issues. Maybe it's in their personalities to begin with, but it's just made worse by her. My table partner cannot stop doubting her self-worth just because T had an intense dislike for her. Just because one person was mean to her. I mean, yes, it's just one person, but that one person had a profound effect and that's enough for me to really really dislike her (even if I didn't know about her other extremely jarring flaws, but I do) because that was enough to leave that gaping hole in my friend's self-esteem. She doesn't even know what she did to T! (Although we did kinda work that out and she's okay with T now but they won't ever be more than acquaintances no matter how much T sucks up to her now. I'm so glad she can see that T isn't someone she needs in her life)
Which brings me to my next point. She sucks up SO. MUCH. She is literally the most fake person I've ever come across. She really hated one of my friends because that friend was really popular and rose up the social ladder really quickly (mainly because she's really smart). But then they had to work together in a group and she realised that that friend was actually a really good asset to have on hand and has been sucking up to her ever since. For example, she would comment like "omg ur so pretty" and like "face goals" and shit like that on her Instagram and my friend actually buys that shit. She's easily influenced and she's just soaking up the attention she's receiving. I don't really blame her for it; we're all at that age when attention and popularity is "everything", but I just don't condone it. You get all these T type people just trying to get in your good books so that when you finally succeed, they can say that "Oh, I was her friend and I know her very well" and shit like that. Fuck off, seriously. Fuck. Off.
Finally, she's created just this huge ass mess out of my other acquaintance-friend that I have (let's call her S because she's the star of this show). So T was friends with this person last year, and they then started hanging out with S and her friend (aka Y). It was the four of them for quite a while, but S and Y never really liked T. Mainly because of various reasons. That doesn't really matter. They were together for really quite some time (like, from last year till slightly before July or August or something. Not sure about the details). But then T's friend got "stolen away" by another classmate and she stopped hang out with them. This left T without someone she was really close to. So she got close to S and started telling her to stop hanging out with Y. For some stupid reason, S did. Relationship between those two soured, of course. And whaddya know, T then ditched S and went with Y instead. With those two's bad relationship now (well it's actually fluctuating, but more on the bad side), it was easy for T to latch onto Y and worsen the relationship further.
So now, S is left without a clique because she's just been kicked out of her own. She didn't really make very close friends with our other classmates because of course, no one expects this is happen to them. So S is really kind of... alone right now. No one really close to, or to hang with, you know? Okay, S isn't the most sensitive person and that's why I wouldn't really call myself a friend (because I see that she can sometimes treat people like shit without actually realising it), but more like someone who's friendly to her and I'll give her the support she needs until this mess is cleared up. Still, it angers me. It angers me because T doesn't even treat S like a person. No one deserves to be treated like that. And I bet T doesn't even care. She just sees S as collateral damage, or perhaps just a fly that's now out of her face. She doesn't even see what she's doing. And that really pisses me off. I won't say I know S very well, and she can be mean sometimes, but seriously, no one is as bad as T. It's been distracting to S, having to deal with this shit during the exam period. I can only hope it doesn't affect her too much, because T shouldn't matter. T shouldn't matter to anyone and she should be given one big bitch slap to be woken up.
She's a bully. I can't say that I'm not totally, but this is fucked up. T may have grown up in a single parent family, but fuck that. I was best friends with someone whose parents were divorced as well and she wasn't anywhere close to as big of a bitch as T. She wasn't a bitch at all! So it's not an excuse at all. I hate that L is friends with her and I really don't see why people befriend T but far be it for me to see the good qualities of T and I'm sorry but I'm not even going to try. (I'm also not going to be that person who opposes two people's friendship just because I don't like one of them.) I'm sorry this post has been so long and thank you so much for reading it (if you still are) though it's basically just me ranting about T.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Friday, June 12, 2015
Grated nerves
It has been forever since the last blog post, but then again, since when has it never? And I've already promised that I wouldn't be blogging consistently or often.
Anyways, I think Ghost has been exorcised. Maybe. I don't know. It's just not working. Nothing ever does, does it. I'm not talking about that today, though.
MY NERVES ARE SO TERRIBLY GRATED I CAN'T EVEN. There. I said it. Why? Well, currently, it's the June holidays and so I have been doing approximately nothing (apart from meet-ups and projects and homework and the like). Also a lot of internet. Definitely a lot of internet. And well, because I am totally out of my freaking father's way, he's got a problem with that. Um, excuse you, Mr. I've-Got-This-Huge-Flaming-Stick-Up-My-Ass! Shut the fuck up, and get the fuck out! Seriously?? I'm not even bothering you! I don't bother you on a normal basis either! Geez! Just fuck the hell off! The hell is your problem??
Okay, so I'm inactive! SO FUCKING WHAT?? It's not the end of the world, and even if it is, so fucking what? Accept it and move the hell on! Why do you want to live for so long anyway? The world isn't as nice a place as you think it is. Stop interfering. Stop commanding me to do your every bidding. I'm not your dog. If you really want one, go get some money and buy one, for fuck's sake. You want to take my laptop away? Okay, I've got my phone, right? That still has access to the internet. I've got books that I borrowed before the holidays, right? That doesn't need the internet to function. You've got a life right? SO GET THE HELL OUT OF MINE.
I don't need you to stick your nose into every little thing I do! You don't on a normal basis, why the hell would you do it now? Why the hell do you feel the need to do it now? You've never really been part of my life, so why the hell do you think you should be now?? FUCK THE HELL OFF. I've already had enough of you. If you think I should get cancer, that's your opinion. Don't shove it down my throat, and don't act like you know me oh-so-well because you don't know the first thing about me. You don't know why you don't know so much, and it should stay that way. You're just an ignorant piece of shit and you should just go about your own life as I do mine. I'm certainly not going to give you 12 page reports of what went on in my day, and you don't bother to find out, so just fuck the hell off. Mind your own damn business, because I hate being your child.
And if at the end of the day, all you're going to do is curse me with cancer just because I'm not the golden girl you wished for, then fuck you, because maybe you shouldn't have given birth to me if you're not going to accept me for who I am. You should have just left me the hell alone before I was even really alive, because I fucking hate you. I always have, and I probably always will. Don't give me that "forever doesn't exist" bullshit because I will show you how forever can exist, because nothing is impossible, no?
Call me a spoilt, ungrateful brat, whatever, but I wish I was never born.
Anyways, I think Ghost has been exorcised. Maybe. I don't know. It's just not working. Nothing ever does, does it. I'm not talking about that today, though.
MY NERVES ARE SO TERRIBLY GRATED I CAN'T EVEN. There. I said it. Why? Well, currently, it's the June holidays and so I have been doing approximately nothing (apart from meet-ups and projects and homework and the like). Also a lot of internet. Definitely a lot of internet. And well, because I am totally out of my freaking father's way, he's got a problem with that. Um, excuse you, Mr. I've-Got-This-Huge-Flaming-Stick-Up-My-Ass! Shut the fuck up, and get the fuck out! Seriously?? I'm not even bothering you! I don't bother you on a normal basis either! Geez! Just fuck the hell off! The hell is your problem??
Okay, so I'm inactive! SO FUCKING WHAT?? It's not the end of the world, and even if it is, so fucking what? Accept it and move the hell on! Why do you want to live for so long anyway? The world isn't as nice a place as you think it is. Stop interfering. Stop commanding me to do your every bidding. I'm not your dog. If you really want one, go get some money and buy one, for fuck's sake. You want to take my laptop away? Okay, I've got my phone, right? That still has access to the internet. I've got books that I borrowed before the holidays, right? That doesn't need the internet to function. You've got a life right? SO GET THE HELL OUT OF MINE.
I don't need you to stick your nose into every little thing I do! You don't on a normal basis, why the hell would you do it now? Why the hell do you feel the need to do it now? You've never really been part of my life, so why the hell do you think you should be now?? FUCK THE HELL OFF. I've already had enough of you. If you think I should get cancer, that's your opinion. Don't shove it down my throat, and don't act like you know me oh-so-well because you don't know the first thing about me. You don't know why you don't know so much, and it should stay that way. You're just an ignorant piece of shit and you should just go about your own life as I do mine. I'm certainly not going to give you 12 page reports of what went on in my day, and you don't bother to find out, so just fuck the hell off. Mind your own damn business, because I hate being your child.
And if at the end of the day, all you're going to do is curse me with cancer just because I'm not the golden girl you wished for, then fuck you, because maybe you shouldn't have given birth to me if you're not going to accept me for who I am. You should have just left me the hell alone before I was even really alive, because I fucking hate you. I always have, and I probably always will. Don't give me that "forever doesn't exist" bullshit because I will show you how forever can exist, because nothing is impossible, no?
Call me a spoilt, ungrateful brat, whatever, but I wish I was never born.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Dilemma
It's probably not as bad as it sounds. But I can't seem to make up my mind. So. Remember my CCA? Well, the one that was never named but always spoken about? Yes, that.
Well, I kind of have a choice here. To continue with it, or to drop it for the rest of my life. I might have written about this before, but I can't. I'm doing it again. I'm seriously stuck when it comes to deciding this. My CCA is more of a world-wide scale organisation that also caters to schools (apart from the public), so younger people can also learn stuff about it during school curriculum and stuff.
Anyway, I have a choice at the end of the year. To join this organisation as a volunteer and help out with the future members, or to let my journey come to an end here. I told my CCA mates that I didn't want to become a volunteer, but deep in my heart, I'm unsure. It seems so hopeless and bleak, just letting it end here. I feel like there's still so much more space for me to grow there, and I don't want to just give it up. But at the same time, I don't want to join alone. I mean, yes, I've actually met lots of people from elsewhere through my CCA, but it's not the same, not having someone who has shared 4 years with you, same experiences and all.
None of my CCA mates want to join. I might be the only one. And I'm definitely not the best candidate. I can't handle administrative things well, I'm more on the un-creative side, I'm generally very, what we like to call, blur. I don't mind just going for the selection programme and decide whether or not I want to join, but it seems a little pointless if I go for nothing. This would be a chance to give back to my CCA, but at the same time, it would just be additional stress.
I seriously don't know what to do. Should I just take the risk and become a volunteer, or should I just let it end here? I'm not even really sure why I want to be a volunteer, it's really just a feeling that has gotten stronger since Saturday, the day of my Finals competition. 3 years as a junior is more than enough. Yet, 1 year as a senior is hardly adequate for me to do things right. I want to guide my unit to become better than before, but I can't say I know how. The fear of messing up is always present.
There are definitely more experienced volunteers from my school as well, but most of them are in university, so it's difficult for them to come down and help us, since they have classes till late in the evening and can't just skip. Also, I plan to join Rock Climbing as my next CCA in my tertiary studies, so joining as a volunteer may affect whether I can actually choose that CCA. I'm not sure what a want (clearly). But I know I don't want to make the decision to give up now.
Remember C? Who I was supposedly over? Guess what, peeps! I'm not! HAHAHA Lol no. But damn, he's so charming. And joining would mean I get to see him. (Wrong reason to join, but seriously) I mean, this is kind of just a teeny-tiny bonus if I choose to join, since he's pretty much out of my league. (Let's face the facts. He's never going to see anything in me, so just getting to look at him is enough.)
Sigh. I can't seem to make up my mind, and I hope I will soon. One thing I know is that if there is someone who is also willing to join with me, I will definitely go. Maybe that's all I'm waiting for. Maybe my mind had been made up a long time ago, I just didn't know. Maybe my decision will change. Maybe not. I don't really know.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Well, I kind of have a choice here. To continue with it, or to drop it for the rest of my life. I might have written about this before, but I can't. I'm doing it again. I'm seriously stuck when it comes to deciding this. My CCA is more of a world-wide scale organisation that also caters to schools (apart from the public), so younger people can also learn stuff about it during school curriculum and stuff.
Anyway, I have a choice at the end of the year. To join this organisation as a volunteer and help out with the future members, or to let my journey come to an end here. I told my CCA mates that I didn't want to become a volunteer, but deep in my heart, I'm unsure. It seems so hopeless and bleak, just letting it end here. I feel like there's still so much more space for me to grow there, and I don't want to just give it up. But at the same time, I don't want to join alone. I mean, yes, I've actually met lots of people from elsewhere through my CCA, but it's not the same, not having someone who has shared 4 years with you, same experiences and all.
None of my CCA mates want to join. I might be the only one. And I'm definitely not the best candidate. I can't handle administrative things well, I'm more on the un-creative side, I'm generally very, what we like to call, blur. I don't mind just going for the selection programme and decide whether or not I want to join, but it seems a little pointless if I go for nothing. This would be a chance to give back to my CCA, but at the same time, it would just be additional stress.
I seriously don't know what to do. Should I just take the risk and become a volunteer, or should I just let it end here? I'm not even really sure why I want to be a volunteer, it's really just a feeling that has gotten stronger since Saturday, the day of my Finals competition. 3 years as a junior is more than enough. Yet, 1 year as a senior is hardly adequate for me to do things right. I want to guide my unit to become better than before, but I can't say I know how. The fear of messing up is always present.
There are definitely more experienced volunteers from my school as well, but most of them are in university, so it's difficult for them to come down and help us, since they have classes till late in the evening and can't just skip. Also, I plan to join Rock Climbing as my next CCA in my tertiary studies, so joining as a volunteer may affect whether I can actually choose that CCA. I'm not sure what a want (clearly). But I know I don't want to make the decision to give up now.
Remember C? Who I was supposedly over? Guess what, peeps! I'm not! HAHAHA Lol no. But damn, he's so charming. And joining would mean I get to see him. (Wrong reason to join, but seriously) I mean, this is kind of just a teeny-tiny bonus if I choose to join, since he's pretty much out of my league. (Let's face the facts. He's never going to see anything in me, so just getting to look at him is enough.)
Sigh. I can't seem to make up my mind, and I hope I will soon. One thing I know is that if there is someone who is also willing to join with me, I will definitely go. Maybe that's all I'm waiting for. Maybe my mind had been made up a long time ago, I just didn't know. Maybe my decision will change. Maybe not. I don't really know.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Ghost
It's been a really long time since I posted! Anyways, this post isn't that I can see ghosts (I can't, and I'm thankful for that), but it's about my story on Wattpad.
The latest update for Ghost was last week, and the previous one was like, 2 months ago. Oops? It's been a really busy period for me, and fortunately, it's over (for now, at least).
But as of now, my story is kind of just like its name. A ghost. It's not easily found on Wattpad unless you put in my username, and there are very few votes and reads compared to others. Then again, it's still relatively new, so I guess I can't expect much. I don't even get that many reads on my blog posts, but that doesn't really matter. Still, as a writer, you want people to read your work and be like, "Hey, that's pretty good."
I mean, I do get comments like those and I really love them, but ultimately I only have one person who does that. There are currently 9 chapters in Ghost out, and they don't really have as many votes as readers. A writer's work is their pride, and I've really been struggling to make myself stand out. And I have just about no idea how. I've never even taken classes on "How to write" or whatever before, since they seem a little useless.
Not to mention, I'm practically competing against all the stories out there. Which is over 40 million, the last I checked. Sure, some of them are just a bunch of "no"s, but there are those that are already really renowned, or are just really popular because they appeal to the general public. And then there's mine. I don't even really know if it's good or anything, since I can't judge my own work, so that's one thing by itself already.
I honestly don't get comments saying any negative stuff, or many comments at all in general. It would really be nice if more people started reading my story, but it really not something I can control. I don't know if there are any of my readers out there who are also writers (AO3/Wattpad writers) and share the same sentiments as I do, but it's natural if you don't.
Another thing about this is that I suspect most of the Wattpad readers (or just any readers, in general) come from America. And so it is that much easier to write in the American culture instead of your own country's just to make it seem less foreign. And then there's also fanfic, where you're writing in another world altogether. But I'm not even American. So much effort has to be put into research just to make sure I don't screw anything up, but I don't even know if the readers know that.
I'm pretty sure most, if not all writers have also done much research in order to make their stories as perfect as possible, in terms of culture, amongst other things. And that's the thing. My character is American, and I'm writing in British English, where "amongst" is an acceptable and actual word, whilst most Americans are probably going "Dude, that's not even correct. Typo much?" But hey, it's a legit word, okay?
I suppose my blog is the place where I get to freely express my own country's "culture" and stuff instead of having to conform to what the readers would like best. Another reason I don't write in my country's "language" is because no one would understand. Trust me, not many people use proper English here, and often times, sentences are direct translations of Chinese mixed with Malay, and only the locals will understand everything. (AKA Singlish. Go look it up or something)
I would really love to write about a character in Singapore instead of everywhere else, because I would be able to relate to her that much more. Though if that were the case, I'd probably still be writing in good, proper English that people will understand. It's funny how your entire life, you'd be told by your teachers that "Singlish is not proper English, so it's bad and you should not use it." But when you get to University and go into Language studies or something, your professor will be teaching you how "Singlish is a very unique and wonderful thing that we should all embrace."
Anyways, I suppose this has been a rather long post, so I'll end off here. I'll keep posting to Ghost and just wait and see if the views/comments go up.
Alright! Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
But as of now, my story is kind of just like its name. A ghost. It's not easily found on Wattpad unless you put in my username, and there are very few votes and reads compared to others. Then again, it's still relatively new, so I guess I can't expect much. I don't even get that many reads on my blog posts, but that doesn't really matter. Still, as a writer, you want people to read your work and be like, "Hey, that's pretty good."
I mean, I do get comments like those and I really love them, but ultimately I only have one person who does that. There are currently 9 chapters in Ghost out, and they don't really have as many votes as readers. A writer's work is their pride, and I've really been struggling to make myself stand out. And I have just about no idea how. I've never even taken classes on "How to write" or whatever before, since they seem a little useless.
Not to mention, I'm practically competing against all the stories out there. Which is over 40 million, the last I checked. Sure, some of them are just a bunch of "no"s, but there are those that are already really renowned, or are just really popular because they appeal to the general public. And then there's mine. I don't even really know if it's good or anything, since I can't judge my own work, so that's one thing by itself already.
I honestly don't get comments saying any negative stuff, or many comments at all in general. It would really be nice if more people started reading my story, but it really not something I can control. I don't know if there are any of my readers out there who are also writers (AO3/Wattpad writers) and share the same sentiments as I do, but it's natural if you don't.
Another thing about this is that I suspect most of the Wattpad readers (or just any readers, in general) come from America. And so it is that much easier to write in the American culture instead of your own country's just to make it seem less foreign. And then there's also fanfic, where you're writing in another world altogether. But I'm not even American. So much effort has to be put into research just to make sure I don't screw anything up, but I don't even know if the readers know that.
I'm pretty sure most, if not all writers have also done much research in order to make their stories as perfect as possible, in terms of culture, amongst other things. And that's the thing. My character is American, and I'm writing in British English, where "amongst" is an acceptable and actual word, whilst most Americans are probably going "Dude, that's not even correct. Typo much?" But hey, it's a legit word, okay?
I suppose my blog is the place where I get to freely express my own country's "culture" and stuff instead of having to conform to what the readers would like best. Another reason I don't write in my country's "language" is because no one would understand. Trust me, not many people use proper English here, and often times, sentences are direct translations of Chinese mixed with Malay, and only the locals will understand everything. (AKA Singlish. Go look it up or something)
I would really love to write about a character in Singapore instead of everywhere else, because I would be able to relate to her that much more. Though if that were the case, I'd probably still be writing in good, proper English that people will understand. It's funny how your entire life, you'd be told by your teachers that "Singlish is not proper English, so it's bad and you should not use it." But when you get to University and go into Language studies or something, your professor will be teaching you how "Singlish is a very unique and wonderful thing that we should all embrace."
Anyways, I suppose this has been a rather long post, so I'll end off here. I'll keep posting to Ghost and just wait and see if the views/comments go up.
Alright! Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Catharsis
It's the first week of February and I feel so done with the year already. There are so many things going on at the moment and it is just so stressful. And it doesn't help that recently, I feel like I've been trying to please as many people as possible.
It started around the start of the year. I've been a fucking pushover, simply trying to please everyone and anyone I can. I think this has to stop. I don't even know why it started, but it did. I'm really at my limit. It became clear to me when I pretty much broke, and had to de-stress. Which I do by writing really homicidal short stories (a page or so only) to help dissipate my anger.
You're probably wondering, what could I possibly have done in one freaking month to have broken myself already (well, at least, there are cracks). First, there was competition training. I feel like I'm trying to please the entire team, giving the Secondary Twos chances again and again, closing one, sometimes both, eyes at the mistakes they make that should be addressed immediately. Then, I'm trying to please the Secondary Threes by trying to "shape" my competition training into one that they would prefer and help them improve.
Then, I'm trying to please my squadmate by letting her have the easy way out when she didn't want to help despite being in the same competition, and letting her not help me. So I'm on my own, planning and figuring out what to do for training. Note that this is the one and only chance I have to get this right. I'm also trying to please my seniors by attempting to get into the Finals of our competition, something they haven't done in forever.
I don't know if the previous batches were in the same stressful position I currently am in, but this is way too much for me to handle.
As if CCA wasn't enough, I'm also trying to please my friends/classmates. My friend had been flaring up for no apparent reason, and I've just been taking her blows, without retaliation and giving her space. It wasn't until yesterday that I'd really had it and retorted. Yeah, it was bad. We're not on bad terms anymore, at least.
There's also this really annoying person in my class that I've also been trying to please for no goddamn reason, since I don't really like her much at all. She's really spoilt and has Princess Syndrome. Basically, she can do whatever she wants to you, including order you around and curse at you, but you can't do the same back to her. You can't get her to do anything you want her to do, and she pretty much uses her "best friend" like a slave. I don't understand how that "best friend" is even still her friend. High tolerance levels, unlike me, maybe.
So anyway, I've been trying to maintain good relations with her for whatever reason (I honestly don't even know). And today, I just lost it with her. She is too annoying for me to handle. I admit. I have a really low tolerance level, and she really shoves her way past mine. She makes a ridiculous amount of noise, curses incessantly because she thinks it's cool, she bullies others and makes them pretty much run errands for her, and she believes that everyone likes her. Honestly speaking, more than half my class hates her.
Okay, so I curse as well. But not because I think it's cool. Life is simply too angst-y and I'm at that age, okay? It'll pass. But like, is she serious?? Cursing simply because she thinks it's cool? Like what? I pretty much let her know that I actually hate her, and of course, she's been a basic bitch about it. Does she really expect everyone to like her? That's just utter bull. Even the President of the United States has enemies (or not. I don't really know, in the eyes of a teenager, he's pretty cool). AND HE'S NICE. She totally isn't.
I'm not going to be a pushover anymore, I've had about enough. The past month has been shitty, and I wholeheartedly hope that it improves. I'm not dealing with shit like this anymore.
Ghost hasn't actually been coming along all that well, but I'll definitely upload soon. I know it's unprofessional, but I'm really not in the mood and I'm stressed as heck.
Arghh I'm just going to end it here. For all you readers out there who are going through the same things as me (whatever it is), we do not live to please others, and FUCK ALL BITCHES. (As crude as that is...)
Live well, Love much (or not), Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
It started around the start of the year. I've been a fucking pushover, simply trying to please everyone and anyone I can. I think this has to stop. I don't even know why it started, but it did. I'm really at my limit. It became clear to me when I pretty much broke, and had to de-stress. Which I do by writing really homicidal short stories (a page or so only) to help dissipate my anger.
You're probably wondering, what could I possibly have done in one freaking month to have broken myself already (well, at least, there are cracks). First, there was competition training. I feel like I'm trying to please the entire team, giving the Secondary Twos chances again and again, closing one, sometimes both, eyes at the mistakes they make that should be addressed immediately. Then, I'm trying to please the Secondary Threes by trying to "shape" my competition training into one that they would prefer and help them improve.
Then, I'm trying to please my squadmate by letting her have the easy way out when she didn't want to help despite being in the same competition, and letting her not help me. So I'm on my own, planning and figuring out what to do for training. Note that this is the one and only chance I have to get this right. I'm also trying to please my seniors by attempting to get into the Finals of our competition, something they haven't done in forever.
I don't know if the previous batches were in the same stressful position I currently am in, but this is way too much for me to handle.
As if CCA wasn't enough, I'm also trying to please my friends/classmates. My friend had been flaring up for no apparent reason, and I've just been taking her blows, without retaliation and giving her space. It wasn't until yesterday that I'd really had it and retorted. Yeah, it was bad. We're not on bad terms anymore, at least.
There's also this really annoying person in my class that I've also been trying to please for no goddamn reason, since I don't really like her much at all. She's really spoilt and has Princess Syndrome. Basically, she can do whatever she wants to you, including order you around and curse at you, but you can't do the same back to her. You can't get her to do anything you want her to do, and she pretty much uses her "best friend" like a slave. I don't understand how that "best friend" is even still her friend. High tolerance levels, unlike me, maybe.
So anyway, I've been trying to maintain good relations with her for whatever reason (I honestly don't even know). And today, I just lost it with her. She is too annoying for me to handle. I admit. I have a really low tolerance level, and she really shoves her way past mine. She makes a ridiculous amount of noise, curses incessantly because she thinks it's cool, she bullies others and makes them pretty much run errands for her, and she believes that everyone likes her. Honestly speaking, more than half my class hates her.
Okay, so I curse as well. But not because I think it's cool. Life is simply too angst-y and I'm at that age, okay? It'll pass. But like, is she serious?? Cursing simply because she thinks it's cool? Like what? I pretty much let her know that I actually hate her, and of course, she's been a basic bitch about it. Does she really expect everyone to like her? That's just utter bull. Even the President of the United States has enemies (or not. I don't really know, in the eyes of a teenager, he's pretty cool). AND HE'S NICE. She totally isn't.
I'm not going to be a pushover anymore, I've had about enough. The past month has been shitty, and I wholeheartedly hope that it improves. I'm not dealing with shit like this anymore.
Ghost hasn't actually been coming along all that well, but I'll definitely upload soon. I know it's unprofessional, but I'm really not in the mood and I'm stressed as heck.
Arghh I'm just going to end it here. For all you readers out there who are going through the same things as me (whatever it is), we do not live to please others, and FUCK ALL BITCHES. (As crude as that is...)
Live well, Love much (or not), Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Happiness
The first week of 2015 has just gone by. I'd say it's been a pretty relaxed week, with not much homework or anything much to do in school, apart from my CCA. I'd like to say that it's going pretty well! I've handed up all my homework so far, and I've made it a point to sleep by 11 p.m., if not at least before 12, and it's been working great. I'm fresh in the day, and I don't feel sleepy in class like the past years.
I've also made it a point to be on time for everything, which is mainly just in the morning, when I take the school bus. I no longer have to rush around and ultimately panic and forget to bring my stuff. Also, I pack my bag the night before. It feels pretty darn good, just doing things in the morning at leisure.
The next thing I have to do is to go exercise! I'm taking my NAPFA this year, so it's a little bit of a problem because I'm overweight. I've never had much problem passing the tests, but it's unhealthy and being overweight means my muscles have to work overtime. I've also always had a problem getting even a C for my inclined pull ups, so I'm working on that as well.
Also, Ghost is going really well! I'm very proud of that. Midnight Wolf kind of got pushed off a cliff and died, so there isn't much of a chance for me to continue, although it's still there. I have a feeling Ghost is going to be the first ever story I complete, and that just makes me really happy. I'm a little worried if the chapters are a little too long, though... (Although long chapters are nice to read, they also take up more time, and it's not exactly the nicest feeling.)
Also, I'm going to be updating Ghost every Sunday now! Saturdays are just really packed and hard for me to post. My blog posts still won't have a fixed date, and it's staying that way, since not many interesting things can happen in a week. This post was mainly just to say that I'm really happy hahaha
The year is definitely going to get tougher as time passes, and these Halcyon days won't last forever, of course. I'm hoping that things will still go smoothly and that I can cope with the pressures the year will present. Alright! It's just a short post this time. Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
I've also made it a point to be on time for everything, which is mainly just in the morning, when I take the school bus. I no longer have to rush around and ultimately panic and forget to bring my stuff. Also, I pack my bag the night before. It feels pretty darn good, just doing things in the morning at leisure.
The next thing I have to do is to go exercise! I'm taking my NAPFA this year, so it's a little bit of a problem because I'm overweight. I've never had much problem passing the tests, but it's unhealthy and being overweight means my muscles have to work overtime. I've also always had a problem getting even a C for my inclined pull ups, so I'm working on that as well.
Also, Ghost is going really well! I'm very proud of that. Midnight Wolf kind of got pushed off a cliff and died, so there isn't much of a chance for me to continue, although it's still there. I have a feeling Ghost is going to be the first ever story I complete, and that just makes me really happy. I'm a little worried if the chapters are a little too long, though... (Although long chapters are nice to read, they also take up more time, and it's not exactly the nicest feeling.)
Also, I'm going to be updating Ghost every Sunday now! Saturdays are just really packed and hard for me to post. My blog posts still won't have a fixed date, and it's staying that way, since not many interesting things can happen in a week. This post was mainly just to say that I'm really happy hahaha
The year is definitely going to get tougher as time passes, and these Halcyon days won't last forever, of course. I'm hoping that things will still go smoothly and that I can cope with the pressures the year will present. Alright! It's just a short post this time. Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
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