It's the first week of February and I feel so done with the year already. There are so many things going on at the moment and it is just so stressful. And it doesn't help that recently, I feel like I've been trying to please as many people as possible.
It started around the start of the year. I've been a fucking pushover, simply trying to please everyone and anyone I can. I think this has to stop. I don't even know why it started, but it did. I'm really at my limit. It became clear to me when I pretty much broke, and had to de-stress. Which I do by writing really homicidal short stories (a page or so only) to help dissipate my anger.
You're probably wondering, what could I possibly have done in one freaking month to have broken myself already (well, at least, there are cracks). First, there was competition training. I feel like I'm trying to please the entire team, giving the Secondary Twos chances again and again, closing one, sometimes both, eyes at the mistakes they make that should be addressed immediately. Then, I'm trying to please the Secondary Threes by trying to "shape" my competition training into one that they would prefer and help them improve.
Then, I'm trying to please my squadmate by letting her have the easy way out when she didn't want to help despite being in the same competition, and letting her not help me. So I'm on my own, planning and figuring out what to do for training. Note that this is the one and only chance I have to get this right. I'm also trying to please my seniors by attempting to get into the Finals of our competition, something they haven't done in forever.
I don't know if the previous batches were in the same stressful position I currently am in, but this is way too much for me to handle.
As if CCA wasn't enough, I'm also trying to please my friends/classmates. My friend had been flaring up for no apparent reason, and I've just been taking her blows, without retaliation and giving her space. It wasn't until yesterday that I'd really had it and retorted. Yeah, it was bad. We're not on bad terms anymore, at least.
There's also this really annoying person in my class that I've also been trying to please for no goddamn reason, since I don't really like her much at all. She's really spoilt and has Princess Syndrome. Basically, she can do whatever she wants to you, including order you around and curse at you, but you can't do the same back to her. You can't get her to do anything you want her to do, and she pretty much uses her "best friend" like a slave. I don't understand how that "best friend" is even still her friend. High tolerance levels, unlike me, maybe.
So anyway, I've been trying to maintain good relations with her for whatever reason (I honestly don't even know). And today, I just lost it with her. She is too annoying for me to handle. I admit. I have a really low tolerance level, and she really shoves her way past mine. She makes a ridiculous amount of noise, curses incessantly because she thinks it's cool, she bullies others and makes them pretty much run errands for her, and she believes that everyone likes her. Honestly speaking, more than half my class hates her.
Okay, so I curse as well. But not because I think it's cool. Life is simply too angst-y and I'm at that age, okay? It'll pass. But like, is she serious?? Cursing simply because she thinks it's cool? Like what? I pretty much let her know that I actually hate her, and of course, she's been a basic bitch about it. Does she really expect everyone to like her? That's just utter bull. Even the President of the United States has enemies (or not. I don't really know, in the eyes of a teenager, he's pretty cool). AND HE'S NICE. She totally isn't.
I'm not going to be a pushover anymore, I've had about enough. The past month has been shitty, and I wholeheartedly hope that it improves. I'm not dealing with shit like this anymore.
Ghost hasn't actually been coming along all that well, but I'll definitely upload soon. I know it's unprofessional, but I'm really not in the mood and I'm stressed as heck.
Arghh I'm just going to end it here. For all you readers out there who are going through the same things as me (whatever it is), we do not live to please others, and FUCK ALL BITCHES. (As crude as that is...)
Live well, Love much (or not), Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
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