It's probably not as bad as it sounds. But I can't seem to make up my mind. So. Remember my CCA? Well, the one that was never named but always spoken about? Yes, that.
Well, I kind of have a choice here. To continue with it, or to drop it for the rest of my life. I might have written about this before, but I can't. I'm doing it again. I'm seriously stuck when it comes to deciding this. My CCA is more of a world-wide scale organisation that also caters to schools (apart from the public), so younger people can also learn stuff about it during school curriculum and stuff.
Anyway, I have a choice at the end of the year. To join this organisation as a volunteer and help out with the future members, or to let my journey come to an end here. I told my CCA mates that I didn't want to become a volunteer, but deep in my heart, I'm unsure. It seems so hopeless and bleak, just letting it end here. I feel like there's still so much more space for me to grow there, and I don't want to just give it up. But at the same time, I don't want to join alone. I mean, yes, I've actually met lots of people from elsewhere through my CCA, but it's not the same, not having someone who has shared 4 years with you, same experiences and all.
None of my CCA mates want to join. I might be the only one. And I'm definitely not the best candidate. I can't handle administrative things well, I'm more on the un-creative side, I'm generally very, what we like to call, blur. I don't mind just going for the selection programme and decide whether or not I want to join, but it seems a little pointless if I go for nothing. This would be a chance to give back to my CCA, but at the same time, it would just be additional stress.
I seriously don't know what to do. Should I just take the risk and become a volunteer, or should I just let it end here? I'm not even really sure why I want to be a volunteer, it's really just a feeling that has gotten stronger since Saturday, the day of my Finals competition. 3 years as a junior is more than enough. Yet, 1 year as a senior is hardly adequate for me to do things right. I want to guide my unit to become better than before, but I can't say I know how. The fear of messing up is always present.
There are definitely more experienced volunteers from my school as well, but most of them are in university, so it's difficult for them to come down and help us, since they have classes till late in the evening and can't just skip. Also, I plan to join Rock Climbing as my next CCA in my tertiary studies, so joining as a volunteer may affect whether I can actually choose that CCA. I'm not sure what a want (clearly). But I know I don't want to make the decision to give up now.
Remember C? Who I was supposedly over? Guess what, peeps! I'm not! HAHAHA Lol no. But damn, he's so charming. And joining would mean I get to see him. (Wrong reason to join, but seriously) I mean, this is kind of just a teeny-tiny bonus if I choose to join, since he's pretty much out of my league. (Let's face the facts. He's never going to see anything in me, so just getting to look at him is enough.)
Sigh. I can't seem to make up my mind, and I hope I will soon. One thing I know is that if there is someone who is also willing to join with me, I will definitely go. Maybe that's all I'm waiting for. Maybe my mind had been made up a long time ago, I just didn't know. Maybe my decision will change. Maybe not. I don't really know.
Live well, Love much, Laugh often!
-Midnight Flint
